Dr. Benjamin R. Moore, M.D. committed suicide on July 23, 2002, as a direct result of the South Carolina Clinic case. He became entangled in the vast web that is our legal system and was helpless against the power, resources, and cunning of predatory government agents. Ben started out with a vigorous defense, but repeated DEA 'debriefings'wore him down.

If the DEA agents were sincere, then he had been delusional the whole time he thought he was working hard and helping people, and he had been delusional his whole life in thinking doctors were the good guys.

Could the agents be prostituting themselves and justice for merely an increase in pay grade? These are the people who called Ben's paycheck money laundering.� How could they live with themselves? How could the American government allow these people to continue destroying everything they touch? How could this happen in America, and how could it happen to him...

(Continued here...)



David Covillion finally got relief from his pain with the help of Jack Kevorkian. The pain came from neck and back injuries Covillion had suffered in April 1987, when his station wagon was broadsided by a school bus at an intersection in Hillside, New Jersey. The crash compounded damage already caused by an on-the-job injury and a bicycle accident. Covillion, a former police officer living in upstate New York, underwent surgery that fall, but it only made the pain worse. Along with a muscle relaxant and an anti-inflammatory drug, his doctor prescribed Percocet, a combination of acetaminophen and the narcotic oxycodone, for the pain.

(Continued here...)



Judith Curran's husband claims 'Pain' drove wife to seek suicide. For years, Dr. Franklin Curran watched helplessly as a painful muscle disorder and chronic fatigue syndrome sapped his wife's energy and will to live. As the pain grew worse in 1992, Judith Curran began reading a suicide guide. She and her husband increasingly fought over her death wish -- arguments that eventually drove him from their home. The two got back together in 1994 after a year apart, but her condition continued to deteriorate. In the last year, against her husband's wishes and as the ailments left her paralyzed and bedridden, Mrs. Curran sought the help of Dr. Jack Kevorkian.

(Continued here...)



The following was written by Judy in July of 2000, when she was more comfortable than she had ever been previously with her pain. Then, in the summer of 2001, she wrote what is now considered the best description of the 'Pain Patients' struggle to find relief and sent copies of it to Congress. (2 wks prior 9/11) However, it was during this same time period that her pain returned with vengence...and on November 6th 2001, she took her own life.

We miss you Judy. May you Rest in Peace.

Your friends at 'OCPM'



My Story of Pain
By Judy Hall

It doesnt matter what my diagnosis is anymore as chronic intractable pain is what I live with everyday. Pain is my companion that I am married to in every way. It is with me when I sleep, when I make love, when I sit at my computer, when Im driving or riding in my car, when Im talking on the phone, when Im reading or watching television. He is there begging for my attention; screaming at me like a child needing to suckle or beating me up like a batterer does, punishing me for whatever I may have done, not knowing what I did to deserve it.

It was twenty-four years ago that I thought I had left pain behind. Pain in the form of a man who felt I couldnt make it without him, that felt since I was a bad girl, that I needed spanking. The last spanking left me with two black eyes and no front teeth. He promised me if I ever left him, he would find me and kill me. I took that risk and left dragging four children ranging in ages from 19 months to 11, and with only a high school diploma, I was determined to leave this pain behind.

As I hadnt been back to school in 13 years, I decided to try a short-term course to see if I could even manage it. I signed up for an EMT course, which lasted only 3 months. My batterer tried to thwart my way at every turn. On the days I had to go to school, he would somehow show up at my house without my knowing it and pull the wires off my car. I hitch-hiked to school. I finished that certificate program earning a B� as my final grade. I knew then, I could do it.

There were many things I would have liked take in college, but I knew that I had to do something that would give me an opportunity to make enough money to support my children and myself in a short period of time. I found a program that would give me an associates degree in a year instead of two. Drugs and alcohol had been a factor in my relationship, as I was married to an addict, so I felt I already knew a lot and this would be something I could do without too much trouble. It consisted of a two-month pre-internship, which I did at a detoxification program. Then 4 months at a school in southern Colorado in Ft Lyon which was intensive bookwork, then another two-month post internship and 4 months of on the job training. I completed my 4 months at Ft Lyon, Colorado, which was a VA hospital, at the top of my class. I then secured a post-internship at a womens treatment program that hadnt even opened yet. This is important; as it was here that I learned how to open a program, which later proved to help me get a good paying position.

At the end of my post-internship, the program wanted to hire me full-time, but my batterer was always nipping at my heels. I had left my younger two children with him when I went to the 4 months of school as I knew I couldnt handle class and taking care of the little ones. He was sober at this time and was in a relationship with a nurse who I felt would watch over them. When I returned, he wouldnt let me have my children back. I would pick them up on the weekends and they would tell me that he was battering his new love and that he had beaten one of them with a two-by-four.

As all of the people I had been in the four-month program with were from all over the country, I called several to see where there might be a position open. I found one in central Indiana. I made my plans, then picked up the boys for the weekend and left.

There I found a position in a CETA funded program that also hadnt opened yet and I was hired as the project coordinator. I secured an attorney to have the child custody changed from joint to sole. 6 months after the move, he found me. Interestingly enough, out of all the attorneys in the phone book, he picked mine who immediately contacted me to tell me he was in town. As I worked with all of the social service agencies and I had had the boys in therapy with documentation that he had abused them, I contacted a friend from foster care and asked if she would place the kids for 48 hours so I could get a court hearing. I was sure this would be the end of it. I was wrong.

Not only didnt the judge look at the documentation I had, he wanted to charge me with federal kidnapping. The boys went back to Colorado with their father, their new stepmother and her child in the front of a pick-up truck. I was later told; he drank all the way home. It took me two and a half years, but I regained sole custody.

I entered the womens external degree program at the oldest womens catholic college in the nation, just outside of the city I lived in, to finish my degree. They took all of my credits from my Associates degree and some life experience credits. I could also move away as I could complete my course work off campus. I found that in the northern part of the state a local community mental health program was looking for a program administrator to establish a detoxification program. I interviewed with them and they hired me the same day even though I hadnt completed my degree at that time.

I was off and running now with a good job and money to support my children. I opened that program March 1, 1980 and all beds were full by March 13th. In 1981, another hospital recruited me to open a program for them and this meant a huge increase in my salary, so I took it. I felt I had arrived.

The Governor at that time asked me to be on his task force to identify the needs of children of parents who are substance abusers and I became the first certified substance abuse counselor in the state. I was also elected statewide as the president of the Indiana substance abuse counselors association. I had turned my life around and was proud of myself.

After almost 10 years in the field, funding sources began to fall off for treatment as the country was moving to more punitive measures to solve addictive problems. I knew I needed to find something else and also felt I was through with this field. It was becoming too much as I would not only run the programs, but give speeches often at night and knew my children were suffering from my absence.

I tried other occupations such as sales after doing a year as a consultant to a program in a nearby state. Then in 1986 I secured a position at the Department of Family and Childrens services as a caseworker. I loved my work and was promoted at every turn. Near the end of my 10 years with the state, I was a regional trainer for 14 counties and was the help desk troubleshooter for their new benefit generating software. Although I loved my job, it was the typical bureaucracy and didnt pay well enough. It seemed I always needed a second job to make ends meet. I would sometimes deliver pizzas at night two to three nights a week, then I created a crafts business which was something I could do at night an be with my children. It was during this period that my pain began.

I had been doing low impact aerobics and found that I was in a lot of pain. I thought it was just because I was out of shape, but then discovered that the muscles in my neck and upper back were hardening and had knots all over. I sought treatment everywhere and finally found relief with trigger release massage therapy, meditation and using flexiril alternating every two years with Soma and aspirin. This kept my pain level low and I was able to work, but would experience two to three severe flare-ups a year. Sometimes the muscles in my neck were so tight, my left shoulder would draw up to almost my ear and I felt I needed a sling to put my arm in, as it would just dangle. But I withstood the pain and was able to manage it well.

Then at the end of 1995, in the local newspaper was an ad that described exactly what I was currently doing. I sent in my resume and was interviewed then hired March of 1996. This was my dream job. Not only did my income increase two-fold, but also the benefits were great and I got to travel 55,000 to 65,000 miles per year and racked up frequent flyer miles, which enabled me to travel to see my children (who were grown by now) and grandchildren often...plus take vacations to places I would have thought impossible. I also did things I never thought I would do, like skydiving. This was like therapy to me as it was the greatest sense of freedom I had ever experienced. As I was hooked onto the instructor and I had told him about my neck problem, it was more like an extreme ride. When the shoot opened it was like standing in mid air and I could talk to the instructor without shouting. It was wonderful. I never dreamed that in just a few years, I would never be able to do this again.

My dream life continued and I bought the first house I was ever able to own in my life. I fixed it up and my house was selected to be in the 'Parade of Homes', my city has every year at Christmas time and won the prize for the best house on the tour. It was during this time period that disaster hit me and my life changed forever.

Right before the Parade of Homes, my company had sent me and several other staff members to New York for a training session with a PBS show we worked with. That night, several of us who had never been to New York, walked around Times Square and then to Central Park. Two blocks before my hotel, I was having such extreme pain in my right hip I could hardly walk. When we returned home from New York, I made an appointment with the pain management doctor I was seeing at that time and he injected several shots of some steroid substance into my hip. I had been using a cane to get around and I was back on it 3 days later. As I didnt want to have more of that stuff in my body, I continued to work with the pain sometimes getting better then worse again.

In March of 2000, one of my supervisors suggested that I get a second opinion. Another doctor then referred me to a pain management group close to where I worked. He immediately wanted to put me on an antidepressant and I resisted that like wildfire. I had been put on the same drug earlier by another doctor and after taking just one on a Friday night, I didnt sleep until the following Monday. I thought I was having a drug reaction, but soon discovered that this was the side effect of the drug. Little did I know that most of these pain doctors, when they see 'a woman in pain', they think we are only depressed. Yes, as I said earlier, I was depressed, but only because I was in continuous pain, but at this time, only in my right hip.

He sent me to a physical therapist, which I had told him I had tried when the problem first surfaced with my neck. It only made my pain worse...but I told him I would try it. (So often these doctors dont know what to do with an educated patient and think we are just not complying with their treatment approach.) I went to physical therapy two days a week for six weeks.

The physical therapist told me that the muscles in my right hip were so tight that my right pelvic bone was rotated or tilted backwards; my tailbone was twisted the opposite way of my spine; and that my pubic bone was off center. She said she would try to get me into three-point alignment then belt me into a hip brace. After six weeks of this, my pain level was increasing, not decreasing. The next approach by the doctor was to refer me to another doctor in his group who decided I needed a cortisone injection into my sacroiliac joint. That happened August 18, 2000 and from that point on, my life went downhill, like a skier at the Olympics on a downhill run, hitting those flagpoles at every turn.

The injection was supposed to kill the pain in my hip, but instead the pain increased in my hip went across my waist to my other hip and down the backs of both of my legs. At the follow-up appointment for the procedure, I told him that now I couldnt even sit for very long as the pain in my tailbone was so bad I had to sit on ice packs just to work. He seemed a little nervous, suddenly closed my file he had on his lap and proceeded to tell me 'this is good news'. It meant I was chronic and then referred me to his pain management doctor.

In between the injection and the follow-up appointment, this group had scheduled me to see their psychologist, which seems to be a part of any pain management group. I had been a trained therapist and instead of getting my masters degree, I had enrolled in a marital and family therapy-training program, so I knew my stuff when I kept this appointment. At no time did this psychologist try to form a therapeutic relationship with me. There was no rapport between he and I and seemed very strange in his approach. He asked me how I was managing my pain and how I had handled problems in the past. I told him how I had resolved being a battered woman and had never repeated that behavior since 1977. I told him that I used trigger release massage therapy, meditation and as few drugs as possible to manage my pain, but none of that was working at this point. I kept getting the sense that he was judging me without any evidence and I was withholding information from him. Later I got a copy of his report and he said my pain was secondary to severe psychological problems stemming from being a battered woman. I was stunned as I have friends who have known me for twenty years and would tell this guy Im one of the most emotionally stable people they know.

As Ive learned since, this is what these doctors think. My family doctor, who is a female, told me that these doctors see a 54-year-old woman in pain and immediately they think post-menopausal, midlife crisis and dont look any farther. Also, none of these doctors had even touched or felt my muscles. I had trouble even standing up straight as my muscles were pulling me forward and I needed a cane out of fear I might fall.

When I got to the appointment with his pain management physician, I was very happy it was a woman. She, for the first time seeing all of these other doctors, she felt my muscles and immediately put me on sick leave. I continued to go to the neurologist for my pain medication, which was soma/compound/codeine and he also had me on Klonapin. I had never up to this point taken codeine daily and would only take it when the pain got so bad, I couldnt stand it. I called the nurse and she told me I needed to take them every four hours otherwise the medicine wouldnt work. I tried this reluctantly, as I also bought into the addiction� concept. This didnt keep my pain level even below a 5 on a 1  10 pain scale and often it varied from a 6  8. I couldnt stand it anymore and made another appointment with yet another doctor.

She is one of those alternative medical doctors who injected b-12 shots into my trigger points and put me on chelation therapy. I only saw her twice and it cost me almost $3,000 for just two visits. Just the supplements she wanted me to take cost more than the medications I was on. If I had felt any improvement, I would have gone back, but just the drive of 100 miles either way from my home to her office was excruciating as the bouncing up and down of the car whether I drove or as a passenger increased my pain level.

I went back to the neurologist I was first referred to. He first increased my soma/compound/codeine and had me take it every four hours. When this failed to keep my pain level low, he put me on 25mgs Duragesic patches and referred me to a pain management clinic in located in the nearby state.

This program was highly rated as equal to Mayos. It consisted on a four week eight hour a day program, which consisted of swimming, classes on different aspects of pain and psychology, exercise, endurance, biofeedback and medication.

I almost walked out the first day, as they seemed to talk down to you as if you were an idiot. They also wanted me to do exercise and everything I had read about my condition stated that exercise aggravates it. They accused me of not complying with the program and I certainly didnt want that, as my insurance wouldnt pay for it and I didnt want the image of being a non-complier. It became a challenge to me, but the pain was almost unbearable as even driving from my home to the program was excruciating.

The doctor or medical director of the program considered to be world renown in the field of pain management, he was often aloof, abrupt and when he gave his lecture on pain medication, he didnt seem to agree that people should be maintained on opioids for any length of time due to the addiction� factor. I was stunned when he made this statement and at our weekly personal meeting, I showed him the articles regarding the difference between addiction and dependency. He refused to look at any of it. Once I passed his office and wanted to speak to him. He was on the phone at the time, discussing with someone about getting a flu shot. He told the person he was speaking to that he didnt work with sick people, only crazy people and there was one in his office right now, meaning me. I tried to take it as a joke, but thats how us chronic pain patients allow ourselves to be demeaned. We feel trapped in our need to keep a relationship of any kind with physicians, so that we will be sure and get even the smallest amount of the medication we need.

The third week of the program, I seemed to get some relief and as the doctor had increased my patches to 75mgs, I had him take me down to 50mgs. The interesting thing that happened that week was that even though my pain level dropped, I became sick. I had to miss two days of the program that week, as I was so fatigued I couldnt get out of bed and I was constantly throwing up. The day I returned to the program and started exercising again, I again became sick and had to go lay down. They seemed to think I was being manipulative. It was so awful that I couldnt get them to understand this.

The following week, the fourth and final week of the program, we had to practice cooking so they had us walk to the store, get the groceries, then take a cab back and carry the groceries into the building up the elevator to the sixth floor. I immediately felt my muscles begin to creep up again and I dont think I ever really recovered from it. The next day I had to have the doctor again increase my medicine and the second week after leaving the intensive part of the program, I had to have him order me medicine for break through pain. I was now up to 75mcgs Duragesic patches, Baclofen 10mgs 1 at 3xs a day and 1 or 2 Konapin at night plus the soma/compound/codeine for break through pain. I had never been on this high of medication before in my life and I wasnt getting any better. I discussed this with the doctor and he again increased my patches back to 75mgs but I didnt even fell any change in my pain level. He then increased it again to two 50s so I was taking 100mgs.

The doctor felt that I wasnt absorbing the medicine, as sometimes happens, so he took me off of the patches and prescribed Kadian100mgs at 2 each day. The timed released morphine sulfate enabled me to not just take my medicine once per day, but also it took away any fear that I might be robbed for my drugs if I had to carry them with me whenever I went out.

This was when yet another nightmare began. The pharmacy that had always filled all of my prescriptions decided they couldnt fill this one. When I tried to fill the Kadian, the pharmacist told that they didnt have the drug and it would take two weeks to order it. As the prescription is good only for three days since it is a controlled substance, that put me in a catch 22 situation. I couldnt wait two weeks for the medicine. I called the doctor and he called his drug representative who called me to find out where I lived then found a pharmacy the next state over where I was able to get it filled. After taking this drug for a few days, I couldnt believe the difference in my pain level. I had gone from a 6  8 on a 1  10 pain scale to a 2  3 during the day and maybe a 4 at night.

The best part of the program was the therapist I was assigned to. I was lucky as she is also a chronic pain patient with a similar condition as mine. She was wonderful and assured me that my being a battered woman wasnt the issue at hand; only my inability to control my pain. I saw her weekly after leaving the intensive part of the program until we both felt that I was emotionally whole again. Dealing with the frustration of seeing multiple doctors who dont listen to you can have an emotionally eroding impact on anybody. There were also so many things going on in my life at that time that produced such stress that it was no wonder that my pain level was so high. The following is just one of many things that happened that December 2000.

During this time period, my middle son had come from Florida to set up a business for me so that if I couldnt return to work, I would have an income. My oldest son and his wife moved back from Missouri to help me and his wife became the office manager. I had no involvement in the business, as I couldnt even think for the pain. She did have free rein to my credit cards, as that was how we set up the business. I completed the intensive program just a few days before Christmas. It was then that my daughter-in-law, who everybody totally trusted, ran off with one of the employees back to Missouri and I discovered she had me $50,000 in debt and the business was in a shambles. She had also taken $500 a week as her salary and never paid the employee taxes. This was to be a family business and since my son had a job, nobody was to take a salary except the employees we hired. Because of this I had to file Chapter 13 bankruptcy to save my house I worked so hard to get and remodel. This was the first house I was ever able to buy and had raised three of my children in an attic apartment for ten years, until I got my dream job.

Since I didnt like the fact I was now on higher levels of morphine and nervous that my current doctor wouldnt keep me on the Kadian for an extended period of time, my family doctor referred me to a doctor she though would evaluate me for an intrathaceal pump. I also didnt like the way the doctor from the pain clinic treated his patients including myself. He also felt that if I just exercised and did everything the program had taught me then I wouldnt need pain medications. Also, the two other people I went through the intensive program with and have kept in contact with as weve always provided support for each other are also seeing other doctors. They have both told me that the intensive program did nothing for them and they continue to this day in high levels of pain.

When I met this doctor, a woman, I couldnt believe the difference from what I had been through. Here was a doctor who understood pain and decided that I should stay on the Kadian until I have built a tolerance to it, and then she will consider implanting the pump. She increased my Baclofen to 2  3xs a day and increased my breakthrough medications in case I need to take four instead of two. She also continued the other medicines at the same dosages. She gave me a new prescription for the Kadian and before I left her office, I had them call the pharmacy to make sure they had it. This time they didnt.

When I got back home, I called the drug representative again and this time she found a pharmacy that had it but this time it was even further away than the one before. This angel actually picked up my prescription, took it and my insurance information to the pharmacist and then brought my medicine to my home. It frightens me that someday she either wont be there or I wont find a pharmacy that will stock it. This cruelty must be stopped.

Now I have lost my dream job as I couldnt get well enough to fully perform my duties. But I am luckier than most, as my agency had a six-month sick leave policy so I received full pay and full benefits during that time period. Then they helped me apply for short-term disability, which would have given me � of my annual income for a year. Ive been denied twice and not even for being disabled. Because the doctor put the wrong date on the form, I was initially denied for filing an untimely claim. Then my employer, who didnt want them to know that we had a six-month sick leave policy, told the insurance company that I had worked from home, which I did from time to time when I was able. We are now in the middle of the third appeal, which should be either approved or denied shortly. Im very fortunate to have my wonderful friend and lover who not only cares for me, but takes care of me, and with my oldest and youngest sons who live with us, are supporting me financially.

I have also applied for social security disability benefits, but we all know this is a shot in the dark as they always deny you the first time and often twice before you have to get an attorney to sue them. This shouldnt be as it causes us even more stress. Stress increases our pain even more. Even if we are granted even a semblance of our former income, there is no insurance until we have been on it for 24 months. Once we become eligible for Medicare, there is no assurance that any doctor will treat us and there certainly is no allowance for medication. This causes us to be in such severe financial straits that we often have to make a decision whether to eat or get our medicines. If I didnt have insurance, my medicines monthly would be close to $1,000. Social Security tells me Ill be eligible for $1080 if I get it. That wont even cover my mortgage, let alone my medication. We could be eligible for free medication, but finding a doctor who is willing to take the time out of their busy schedules just to fill out the paperwork is next to impossible and those doctors that will see us using Medicare arent those who will medicate us properly. Its a circular phenomenon that makes most of us just want to give up.

I just became eligible for vocational rehabilitation services that will pay for me to complete my certification as a webmaster so I can work from home. Most chronic pain patients lose everything, including their homes and often their families who dont understand.

Pain is often invisible and the medication needed to promote a semblance of a quality of life, has been misunderstood and propagandized by our government as evil. The family often buys into this and often we do too. Our families view us, the chronic pain patient as the addict the government says we are.

When the family sees us anxious that we cant get our medicine, its not the same as an addict craving a drug. Its that we need our medicine to continue communicating and loving our families and ourselves. They may not see addict behavior in us as we dont appear to be high or euphoric like an addict would be, but its just their fear that we will become one that clouds the issue and destroys the chronic pain patients often only support system, their family and friends.

If medicated appropriately, we can live and enjoy our families and often based on our other diagnoses, we can even return to work. When pain is our only focus, we cant think of anything but the pain. As I said in the beginning, we are married to it and until we can divorce it by being properly medicated, we will always be married to it and our only recourse becomes a way out none of us wants to think about.

Just a few months ago, I was writhing on the floor begging someone, a robber maybe, to come into my house kill me so there would be no witness as I was too much of a coward to do it myself. I began to think that this was something I had done to myself and if I could only have the correct mental outlook, I could lick this as I have licked so many other things before. Now that Im medicated appropriately, I can function without feeling impaired. I can enjoy my children, my grandchildren, my lover and my garden or most anything else I want to do within my restrictions. Im not totally pain free. We chronic pain patients are never totally pain free...but at a level we can tolerate and often ignore the pain that use to nag at our every turn.

If handled appropriately and with great dignity, we can be almost pain free, but we have to have the understanding of the medical profession, the government and the public in general in order to accomplish this. This is the battle we must fight to win back our dignity and our lives.

Judy 6/6/2000

READ JUDYS' LETTER TO CONGRESS HERE





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